A difficult message to someone you care about

Say the true thing without blame, and leave room for them to answer.

Family, friends, partners. Boundaries, apologies, things left unsaid.relationshipscommunicationboundaries

Help me write something difficult to someone I care about.

Who they are to me: <relationship>
What happened or what I need to say: <describe, including how I feel, even the unfair parts>
What I want after this: <repair / a boundary / an apology / to be understood / distance>
What I'm afraid of: <their reaction>
How we usually communicate: <talk in person / text / rarely at all>

Do this:
1. Reflect: what I seem to actually need underneath what I wrote, in two sentences. Check with me.
2. Write the message, under 200 words: start with something true and warm if there is one; say the hard thing plainly using "I" statements; describe what happened without labelling them; say what I need or want going forward; end with an opening for them to respond.
3. A shorter version for text, under 60 words, that opens a conversation rather than finishing it.
4. Sentences to remove from anything I send: blame, mind-reading, "you always", "you never", and any line that's really about winning.
5. Honest advice on channel: should this be said out loud instead, and if so, the first sentence to say.
6. What I'll do if they respond badly, in one line, so I don't decide that in the heat of the moment.

Gentle with me, honest about what won't help.

Replace every <placeholder> with your own details before you send it.

How to use it

1Write what you're feeling first, even the unfair parts. The model helps you find what's true underneath.
2Ask whether this should be said in person. The model will tell you honestly.
3Wait a day between writing and sending, unless waiting is the problem.

Reviewed 2026-09-20

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